I think about who i want to be in this world and how i want to be regarded a lot. more often than i should. i once dated someone who told me that they didn’t read fiction books and found it uninteresting and vague. I still don’t understand what he meant by that because fiction to me is all the world is. have you ever experienced something and thought “there’s no way in the world this is real”? Exactly. Because it isn’t. There is not one thing that has ever been written that wasn’t borne out of someone else’s imagination or experience. I wonder if i am getting it right and most times, a book lets me know that there is no right or wrong way to do life. it doesn’t come with a manual and every person you meet is on a journey of thier own. lately though, in this current season of my life, it’s felt like i’ve been waiting

Waiting for what, you may ask ? I have no idea. waiting for change, waiting for all the pieces to fall into place, waiting for life to get better, waiting for things to feel good. most days, it feels endless and other days i think to myself that it is what i do with myself that matters. My 20s have felt like i have no bearing and i feel stuck when really, all i want to do is create. I can’t do that because of how monetized everything is at the moment and they say these are our best years. “The Panic Years”. I saw a creator on tik tok call it that and it’s not left my mind ever since because it’s exactly how i feel. like i am a headless chicken in constant pursuit of things far out of my reach. I am experiencing a lot of things for the first time and boy, it sure does feel lonely. I have to keep reminding myself that i am not broken and need fixing, that healing is a constant state of being. In all honesty, i don’t fully understand what that means myself. All i know is, i don’t know what the hell i am doing and it would be nice to figure it out.