Conversations with myself

I feel really anxious today, more than usual and I really have no idea why. These days, I’ve tried to be brutally honest with myself about everything going on in my life. My loved ones, school, business, writing, my passions, healing, the things I never talk about because no one would understand and the things I know I can never say out loud. I used to be really naive, it was so bad that it’s comical now that I think about it. That’s how I was brought up, being shielded from everything that when you try to make sense of the world works, it doesn’t make sense. Now I find myself struggling, grasping at straws, trying to be free when I don’t understand what the true concept of freedom is.

Maybe it lies in the things you do everyday, the littlest things. The things that make your heart feel still. Lying in bed reading a book, listening to the birds chirp. Mom coming back from work with gifts she knows you’d like even if you’re “too old” for that. Having deep conversations with the people you love but don’t get to see all the time, the ones who feel like home. Listening to songs that feel so nostalgic they take you back in time. Sitting with your emotions, having the hard conversations with yourself because you know you can be better. Living like no one’s watching

I don’t know the next steps to take and I’ve never been one to put myself out there due to the fact that even though I struggle with taking criticism, I am my biggest critic. I sit and talk myself down on every single thing and then I get mad at myself. It feels like an endless loop but one I’m being intentional about ending. Being my most authentic self. Showing up as me, not worrying about how I’m being perceived and not trying to be anything else other than what I am. It’s not the easiest thing, I’m glad I get to meet different versions of myself and fall in love with every single one